Such a funny phrase in all honesty and I can safely say that it's been a complete utter hell for me.

I've been sick since January and still having problems. I'm afraid to talk to my friends because of the side effects of the medication I've been subscribed. It's been giving me dire side effects that I keep having to call the doctor for, like the thoughts of suicide (as if my confidence and self esteem isn't bad enough) but there's so much more, like nausea, hallucination, dizziness, shortness of breath, heart pains, dependency, and so much more!! It's completely horrible! Not only that but the only person I can call upon is my dear husband who's been taking such wonderful care of me and I thank him for always being there for me.

Although, I have been contemplating (as I always do). It's funny, but I really don't trust people but for the proper reasons as I have observed. A bit ago a few friends of mine (not to point a direct finger or pick on) got upset at me because I was going through some of the symptoms of the medicine and as jittery and frantic as I was, I just wanted someone to ramble to, but I couldn't make any sense. It was difficult because I was being delusional, but instead of my friend trying to comfort or just giving reassuring words, they got frustrated and I ended up excusing myself because if I stayed I would've surely end up in a suicidal state of mind. My husband explained to me many times to stay away from these types of situations or stress but I just really wanted someone other then him to be there for me... but it blew up in my face not to say they weren't worried or didn't care because I'm sure they do. But the situation made me sad yet happy at the same time.

Let me explain, I've always worried about my friends and their problems too much and nine out of ten, I find out that it's not always the same for me by many of my friends, but it's not their fault because either they just don't know how to comfort or I just can't tell them how I feel or what I feel because I don't trust people.

But ya know I do remember something that only 2 people in my life have done and it was this: I would be smiling, not saying a thing, putting on my jester mask giving everyone the ole Razzle Dazzle, and out of no where they'd come up to me and say, "Don't worry I'm here. Just talk and I'll listen and try my best." I'll just stare and they'll smile and say, "I just Know." then I'll just bow my head and allow them to see behind the mask.

There's a song by Jason Mraz that has the lyrics ~Lucky I'm in love with my best friend~ and it makes me smile because I really did fall in love with my husband because of my female best friend... he reminded me of her. Dawn was always philosophical, kind, and at least tried to understand, even if I make no sense and I was a complete burden and an utter annoyance, she gave her all.

There was this one incident where we got into an argument at school and at that time I had the hardest time saying 'I'm sorry' even though I would feel extremely guilty for my unruly tongue. Well, though I didn't say anything she came to me with that ever so charming smile (that I confess I secretly fell in love with but would be too proud and penis envious to admit) and gave me a lollipop. I almost fell to direct tears. There were so many things I wanted to say but all I could do was hold her and thank her for actually accepting me for...ME. I was in disbelief at first but now, after so many many years it's clear to me that she does accept this foolish child. Thank you Dawn, I love you in so many ways.

The other person is my husband,whom I could simply go on about but as a rough: His more then a lover and a husband, he's a best friend. He's a voluntary servant but most of a time a protector and care taker. He love me for me and always wants me to be happy. When I'm not he gets upset and tries to fix it.(or harm people who causes it) No one works like he does when I'm down. So Thank you too Chu and ooooohhhh how i love you in so MANY ways! (since my yaoi lover dawn can't be here, he's my back up XD lawl j/k)

So Thanks is all I wanted to say and even to my friends who can't always help or have a hard time with me, thanks any how for just being a friend ^^.

oh and no, this journal won't have a point because if I made points or sense then I wouldn't be me. *impish smirk*