So I finally moved to Great Lakes, Illinois.

It's new and different, but I've always been the type of person who Can go anywhere and find fun things and adjust to it quickly.

My husband and I barely have anything, but I'm ever so thankful. Within messaging my cousin on Dev. (more like annoying her XD cuz she hid my comment ) about her childhood, I couldn't help but recollect on my past too...

How for I've come from there. It was truly dark, cold, and painful that it caused me mental and emotional problems that soon enough turned into physical problems. I went through many things and I know that I'm a very broken person... yet How is it that I can still live life for what it's for?

Many people have told me (and trust me I've met more then a million of all varieties) I know how to bring the silly out of the serious and that I'm a very wise person. Though if ever a Fault it would be my confidence, it's so very low and I've been working on boosting it up for years and there's much work to be done. I'm also contradictory. I want all those I love to be happy, so I edge them on to become who they want to be, yet I don't do it for myself... I tend to leave myself behind. I hide my whole true self from everyone except one: My husband.

Many think that's cliche` but if you saw everything he's done for me, you'd know he's amazing. It's a lot to deal with me and I become annoying fast, but he's never told me, "you're annoying" "you're stupid" "you're ugly" "leave me alone" or "you don't understand"......It's something... I never could stand before. When I was young (middle school, teenage), I was cruel, cold, distrusting, rebellious, annoying, and if anything more obnoxious. I did it to keep people at a distance... I didn't want to pull them down... learn to be lonely, I thought... and it was. It truly was lonely. I kept going though, granted I was emotionally unstable and tried to commit suicide here and there but I was too cowardly...NO...Brave. I rather die standing then beg on my knees. Live life for what it is, That's true strength, and if nothing else, I wanted to be strong... I am strong. I am a fighter... but love was something too unreal for me back then, I needed no one.

It's amazing how when I was a child, I tried my best to be beautiful, lovely, daddy's lil girl, but I always was too adventurous for a girl. Though I grew up in a house hold struggling for food and filled with spite, as a little girl I tried to play and make the most out of life. I wanted to be an Broadway actress, but the negativity that life had to hold would soon crumble those dreams. Imagine a child questioning life and self worth.

Went through hate, sorrow, loneliness, betrayal, molestation, framed, false accusations, racism, sexism, and Death... a lot of death and goodbyes. Some find it sad, but I don't have a hard time saying "Good bye", if I/they must go then that's how it is. If we truly want, we will meet again.

I never believed I would be fully accepted so I put on my mask and played my role as the jester! Did my dance, said my jokes, laughed the laugh, but little did they know my heart was breaking. How many times have I heard, "I liked the old you" or "I like it when you're happy"... so the story goes: "I play the Jester, they'll be happy and I don't have to let them know me. It works so well. Just show this much." The best part is there are actually some who honestly think they know me so well. Best thing to do is to make them think so. "hahaha of course, you've seen me for so long" ..."seen" but not heard nor felt. Sadistically, I like it this way.

"but you said you had a husband" OH why yes I do! We've created our own world, not many know but he isn't what he seems either. Yes, his heart is brighter then the blinding sun itself and he can be sickeningly optimistic at times, but he loves me and has fully accepted me. One time I tried to choke him to death...I snapped, went on a rampage.... he never left or fought back he just sat and took it saying, "I love you. Do whatever you must, just don't leave me...Please."........I hated him for loving me, why didn't he hate me like I did. Why doesn't he abandon me like everyone else?... he then states, "I know you love me too... there's a thin line there but you don't need to cross, just stay... I'll never leave you alone and you don't have to trust me, just stay." .... and I did. Since then I changed dramatically, but losing my memory helped a lot. It made me realize that I can start over, be more like me, but for no one else, only him. Why? Because he knows me and I... I know him. We both had dark secrets, dark sides, hidden thoughts, hidden people within us, but we only let them exist with each other. Best thing is, we don't need each other, We want each other.

Though, I've said all those things it doesn't mean I don't love many, for I love a ton. I will love anyone willing to accept it. My heart is huge and I am loyal with out a doubt. I come to defend and I'm there to fight for them. There are few special ones I'd undoubtedly die for though. There's 2-3 on this site. One I argue with a lot yet can never let her go, she's ever so precious to me and she too had a broken life (and we both wish we were men...OHHH the things we'd do!!) and though we may argue that just means we're that close. She can be so sexy too! I have tons of photos that are just "she's hot!", so I rape her on a constant basis. (Note: I'm saying this cuz I love her reactions XD and she gets it)
Another, is a gal who I had a girl-crush on in a non-homosexual way...okay maybe a lil *wink* she's a very neutral character with intellect and a pinch of crazy. My Golden Dawn is how I see her, I love her so much that I would do a 3-some with her. (note: I enjoy saying disturbing things cuz they know it's all for the lawls)
The third is this boy who helped me see that I can be attractive just for being me. I love him dearly and he's like a lil brother to me. <3 I wanna dress him up in all sorts of clothing toooooo!!!
^^^^^^^^^^^ top 3 friends (even if I may not be theirs, they're still mine)

As for my husband, he's my bestest friend, not to sound mean to my top 3 it's just that....well...he fucks me on a daily basis and they don't... *lifts brow with smirk* Any Changes?? XD

All and all, this rant was rather unorganized, their passing thoughts that I couldn't help but type for now. So if you read this then: O.O whoa. XD

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skin made by brgtt (freakin' bonerific<-- I made up that word to express my penis envious content xD)